Monday, 21 July 2008

Now we've become like total strangers

Somehow I let him see my post titled You said you needed space (don't worry he doesn't know my blog)
I sent it to him as a post, but its been more than a week he saw it
Well we text once in a while
We texted two days ago and boy did we sound like total strangers
Not good
Before the post we sounded like good friends
And after the post we're now like strangers
I dunno if the post was too harsh or if I over reacted
Don't like the fact that we sound like strangers
I'm kinda excited, can't wait to go on my mini vacation
And take my mind off everything
Its beach time! where are my bikinis. lol
Will just have fun and enjoy my life
I deserve it

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Moving on (Thanks my blog family for all your support)

Its been 17 days now.
Wow time sure flies.
I just want to thank my blog family for all your love, advice, concern and support.
You guys have been trully amazing.
The crying has stopped, I'm beginning to sleep again which is a good sign.
The eating has not been very good but its improving
Been having workshops in church throughout this week in the evenings
And that has helped too
I got to mix with middle aged and elderly people mostly women and it has given me a fresher perspective to life
I'm much better now
Been doing things to keep me happy, smiling and laughing
Even though sometimes I just pause and miss him
Its funny but I still love him and will always love him
I guess he left his footprints on my heart
That is love for you o
I've just been working on different aspects of my life
Working on personal issues
I'm loving life and appreciating my family more
Cos my family will always be there for me and will never wake up one day and tell me they need space
When we go through a crisis we go through it together
My parents taught me great values and I'll always appreciate that
They're the best (I'm talking about immediate family not extended family)
Right now I'm just going to be single for a long while and focus on other things
Love stinks
Until proven fresh
Will head next week to another place very very far from where I live, more like a different country for three days
More like a breathe of fresh air
I'm holding up cos I'm a survivor,
And the mischievous and prankster part of me that I suppressed for more than a year cos I thought it was childish, is beginning to resurface again
I'm adding the flavor back to my life. lol
All the fun and craziness. lol
I'll just be myself
Thanks my blog family
You guys are the best
One love. Peace.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Unhappy Anniversary

Today was supposed to be our 1 year anniversary but I guess its an unhappy anniversary.
Its been 12 days since he told me the sad news.
I'm a lot better now. No more crying, the only problem I have is sleeping. The earliest I sleep is 4 or 5a.m. But I guess that will get better in time. We still text once in a while but that space is still there.
A Wise Girl Kisses But Doesn't Love, Listens But Doesn't Believe, And Leaves Before She Is Left.
Life is a biatch and shit happens.
All I know is I won't love with my whole heart next time even if he comes back. They say love is blind but my love now has double lense o. I aint getting hurt next time.
I just miss the old times and him. Well like I said shit happens.
It will take some time for me to fully trust and love again. Even if I do love or partially trust, I'll have it in my head that the dude can wake up one morning and decides he needs space or wants to leave me for no reason. I guess some spoil it for the others.
I don't blame my sister for being hardened when it comes to matters of the heart. As women we all have to protect our hearts since we're the softer ones.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

You said you needed space

As you said the words
"I want to be alone (single) and sort things out in my life"
The words stung like a bee
My heart broke in a million pieces
My mind went crazy
I wondered a lot
A lot of emotions flowed through
Cos I didn't see this coming

I didn't hear from you three days before you told me this
I worried whether you were okay
Not knowing you were doing a lot of thinking
And wondering how to tell me the sad news
Not wanting me to hurt
But it hurt so badly I couldn't breathe

When you told me you had something to tell me and ask me
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach
I had a bad feeling about what you were about to say
And you confirmed my worse fears
My april fools' joke on you backfired on me
But this time it was not a joke
It was real

After you broke the sad news
I couldn't eat for four days
I cried my eyes out
I lay in misery as the reality of it all sank in
I did not understand
I needed answers

I wondered a lot
I wondered what I did wrong
I wondered whether I nagged a lot
Or whether you were tired of me
I just wondered why it had to be like this
I did not see the signs

You said I was not loosing you
But you also said I should live like I was single
You said you still love me and will always love me
Then why are you hurting me
Our one year anniversary was supposed to be in three days time
But I guess its our unhappy anniversary
I thought it was supposed to be through thick and thin together no matter what
Through the good and the bad times
Someday I will understand

It is said
If its yours, it will surely come back to you
I'll move on with my life
But if you're truly mine you'll come back to me

I'm trying to get on
Facing the reality that there's no you and me anymore
You said we're still good friends
And that you're always here for me
Sometimes I lie awake and drive myself crazy thinking of you
I don't sleep these days, the earliest I sleep is 4 or 5a.m
Sometimes I just grab my phone
And want to text or call you
But I restrain myself from doing so
Cos I want to give all the much space you said you needed

It's not going to be easy
But I'll survive cos I'm a survivor
Things happen to make us stronger
So I'll come out of it a lot stronger and hardened and toughened

You said when you sort things out
And if I'm still single you'll work your way back to me
You'll have a lot of work to do
Cos it will take some time for me to trust and love again
You said its not heartbreak but it sure feels like one
I'm picking up the pieces of my broken heart
All I do is listen to sad love songs

I started eating again a few days ago
Cos I lost weight and energy
I feel a little bitter
I don't know why
But it sure hurts like hell
But I'm getting on fine
I'm learning to love and understand myself more and more
I am my own best friend
Focusing on other aspects of my life
Trying to keep myself busy
So I won't have a moment to pause and feel the pain and hurt

Trying to get my mind off it
But it keeps coming back to me
Need to get out of my present surroundings
Feel like going to a mountain top
And screaming at the top of my voice

A lot keeps going through my mind
Wondering when a guy asks for space, what he's really trying to say
What space really means if you're far away from him
I guess I'll never understand the male psychology
I know I'll be fine
I'll look back on this and smile
Knowing someday I'll understand
And hope for the best in the end

If you Love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours forever, if it doesn't it was never meant to be"

God knows best

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

And behold my world came crashing down. I hate that i love him

Hi. I feel so depressed and as if my world is crashing. i'm deeply hurt. my boyfriend sent me this email ynite,
""hey just wanted to ask you what if I just wanted to be alone (single) and just work out some things in my life, what will you think about it and feel about it""

he's finishing his first degree in august & wants to get into med school, & he's taking the mcat by dec. he's hoping everything will be sorted out by dec, jan, or feb.
and he's saying he needs some space for a while, but dec, jan, or feb are like in 6-8 months time and that's not a while. i'm really hurt cos i didn't see this coming, and we're not in the same place so i'm wondering whether i'm a distraction to him, but he says i'm not.
he asked what my plan was, and whether i'll wait for him or wait for him and still be open. i said i'll wait for him. he said he still loves me and will always love me, and i can call or text him anything that he's always here for me.
i've just been crying my eyes out since ynite and my eyes are already swollen. i'm hurting deeply.
What do u think of the situation? for him to ask for space and time, is that a sign or way of breaking up with me. he says he's not breaking up with me that its only for a while. 6-8 months is not a while. i can wait for him as long as he comes back to me. what do u think. what if he finds someone else.
he was supposed to come and visit me this august or september after he graduates and now he's saying all these. i don't understand. if he tells me he can't make it here in august or sept i'll understand, but to tell me he needs space to sort his life out, and career and future.
i'm just so confused. should i wait for him? is there any sign that he's backing out of the r/ship that way?
the whole thing makes me hate love, and wishing i never met him. last month was our 11th month anniversary and 13th of this month was supposed to be our one year anniversary. i've not heard from him today. the reality is sinking in in my head. pls advice me.